It Comes in Waves

“I rise, I fall

I rise once more,

Tired, yes,

But Stronger than before.”

I like to think of battling a chronic illness as learning to swim with the waves. There are so many ups and downs and storms that take you by surprise. I love the ocean, the beach is where I go to in my mind when I need a happy place - it is calm, beautiful and home to so many amazing creatures, but ironically the ocean can also be really scary, the unknown depths of the water, the unpredictability of the waves and the darkness that can swallow you.

At times this is how my chronic illness feels. I can be happily swimming in a calm sea then suddenly I am lost, the raging waves overwhelming me, I am caught in a storm that I didn’t expect. Sometimes when I am exhausted the smallest waves can drown me, overpower my body and crush my spirit but navigating this ocean, this life has also given me resilience and I have found ways to live in my new world.

My mind and body are not the same, while discovering my diagnosis gave me purpose it also gave me fear. I didn’t understand what it meant for me, I was afraid to trigger any flares because my pain was so amplified. I lived in fear, trying to protect what I could of my (delicate body). But my body is what I use to swim through these waves, I needed to understand it.

Whatever you are going through it is essential that you understand your condition and how it changes you. When your ocean is calm focus on strengthening the places most likely to suffer in a storm, preparing your boat for the life you can still live. Understanding physical or mental triggers is also really important to keep your head above water, what could affect you? What do you have control over and what is out of your control. Being aware of these and changing things in your life can help you keep swimming.

Something I have always feared is being alone and dealing with a chronic illness can be the loneliest journey in your life. You may feel like you are the only one in the entire ocean but not only are there others battling similar storms, there are the people who have stood beside you and helped you survive. I may be the one swimming but my family and friends have often been the reasons why I have been able to stay afloat. Building a support network and communicating with them is so important even when it feels like no one in the world understands what you are going through, because these are the people who will make the experience bearable, sometimes even enjoyable.

There is nothing more important than hope. I have spent so long being anxious about the future, the idea of an entire lifetime struggling against waves exhausting, wishing for a tomorrow without pain. But through all of this I have found hope, been able to experience excitement and joy. These are the things to hold onto, when you feel overwhelmed by an ocean of ever flowing waves think about what you are swimming for.

Your life is still yours and you are still you and wherever you are on your journey remember that you are not alone and that just like the ocean, your condition can be something you can learn to love.